To my friend Heather,

Dearest Heather,
OH, Heather Heather Heather. I read your email late last night, and I printed it off and read it over and over again before I fell asleep. Regan read it, too. He told me, "Ash, this is how I know that we are in the right place. I have the distinct feeling like I've read this before. Much more powerful than deja-vu. Almost like I knew her even before I came to this earth, and that she would be a powerful influence in your life."

Before we moved here, we were in Utah. I had received info and labs from a doctor out here that said I must get treated for my Lyme with a PICC asap. He said I couldn't wait any longer, but that he wasn't qualified to do the treatment himself. We searched for doctors in Utah and found a few prospects. . .but something didn't feel right. We prayed so hard about where to go that would be the best place for our family. The answer came strongly to my husband. . ."Go to Connecticut." I was upset that I didn't receive such a strong confirmation. I didn't feel like it was wrong, I just was so afraid. I was afraid to leave my family, in particular my mother, who goes above and beyond to get me feeling better, and my sister, Melanie, who has helped me keep my burdens light. . .and even funny at times. How would I get through this without them?

We didn't have a place to live, a job, or even a doctor yet. We just packed up our things and headed this way. Regan picked a place on the map of Connecticut. Manchester. He didn't know why. It just popped out at him. First he contacted the bishop, and told him of our situation. Reg wanted to know if the ward was a helpful ward, with people that would understand and be able to lift us when our burdens were too great. The bishop told us that the ward was miraculous, and that we would be in good hands here. And we have found that to be more than true.

But as we searched for a doctor, we couldn't find who we were looking for. I saw and infectious disease specialist, a rheumatologist, an internal medicine doc, and many ER docs. But the answers kept coming. . ."Nothing is Wrong with You!!!" Well, you know what happened next. I felt like I was going crazy. The physical and mental pain were too much to bear. I don't believe in suicide, but I felt that it was my only option to get out of this painful body. . .and to stop placing any burden on my family. Not that I was thinking clearly. . .but I wanted to take my life. But I was reminded of the time where I actually did try to take my life 2 years earlier, and the shame that followed when I saw my son afterward was enough to never try that again. So this time I told Regan I had a problem, and would not be able to wait 2 months to see a psychiatrist. I had to see someone tonight, if I wanted to save my life for my child.

We submitted myself to the psych unit in Manchester Hospital, which, as you know, was the worst experience in my life. I was so afraid. I was treated like a parasite, like all I wanted was drugs and ropes to strangle myself with. They took everything from me, even my Book of Mormon in which I needed to feel some peace. In group I listened to the others speaking of their situations, and how they had no one. I felt so lucky for my two boys, and needed them again deeply. I was so grateful that I had a family that loved me unconditionally, even though I gave up on life. They prayed and fasted for me. They told everyone they knew to pray for me. When I was released from the hospital, I felt the power of those prayers, and the love that my Heavenly Father had for me. I couldn't stop smiling!

I wish I could say that I held onto that love from everyone. I wish I could say that I kept my faith strong, and that everything would be okay. But I still had no idea what to do about my illness, and had convinced myself that I didn't have Lyme, but that I was just crazy. Maybe we should just move home. There is no point in being here. This isn't working out. Why did God tell us to come here? It had been such a horrible experience. Why would he let me leave my family, whom I needed so badly, only to find no answers in Connecticut?

Then my husband decided to switch car insurance, because ours was too expensive. The insurance agent Regan spoke to also had a friend with Lyme. And get this. . .she lived up the street from me and was being TREATED for LYME!!! WHAT IS HER NAME???!!!!

Heather. She told me of a doctor in New York, who was the President of ILADS. The International Lyme and Associated Diseases Society. He was treating her for Lyme. He would be treating her with rosephin in a PICC line soon. Regan and I felt like the heavens were open, pouring a multitude of blessings upon us. The peace we felt was overwhelming. This was right. There was no reason to fear. I called Dr. Cameron's office, and they got me in to see him the next day. Not in 2 months, the next day. . .because they knew how important it was for me to be treated immediately. They treated me with the sense of urgency that I knew I needed in order to get better. I did not fear my appointment. I knew it was the right place. The right doctor. But 2 hours away? Why didn't God tell us to move to New York? Why Connecticut?

Which brings me to you, Heather. Only you could understand how important it is to have someone that completely understands what each of us are going through. My husband is a dear angel, who has complete sympathy for me, and has never been upset with the strain my illness brings into our lives. He has been nothing less than a miracle in my life. I could not live without him. But last night after we read your email, I tried to explain to him what it means to me to have someone with Lyme to speak to. Who was going to the same doctor, receiving the same treatment, whom I can carpool with to every appointment (in which the nurse calls us back to see the doctor as "Heather and Ashley" as if we were attached at the hip, and not as separate patients ;) ). It is one thing to have sympathy, as does my husband. But it is another thing to have empathy, as you do. It's as if, just the fact we both have Lyme brings us immediately into a place of understanding. . . after knowing each other for only 5 minutes! But it is even more than that. It's knowing what to do when one or the other of us is down, how to help each other even if it is only a phone call (me), or picking up groceries, doing my errands, making me presents, doing my medical research, and making herself sicker by doing to much for the other (you). ;)
I have found a better friend that I could have ever wished for. And I literally don't know if I would have survived without you. Literally. I was lost, and now I am found.

The thing I love the most about you, is that you remind me, all the time. . .to have faith and hope. We do not come from the same Faith (church), but our love for and from God is the same. I know with all of my heart that God loves me and does not like to see me go through the pain and heartache that i do. But sometimes when life gets harder, i.e. getting my picc line pulled out before treatment is over to get my gall bladder removed (grrr), I forget that God is there for me. You remind me of that. You have so much faith in a time without Lyme (or living a good life with Lyme), and it makes me want to believe. I hope a strive to be more like you. I am truly grateful, and I know we will always remain friends.

When Jesus Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane, atoning for the sins and pains of the world, a miracle happened. And not just the miracle that we most think of with the Atonement. When Christ was in his toughest hour. . .feeling the most pain and sorrow. . .he prayed to his Father, "Wilt thou remove this cup from me?". Please God, take away this pain!!! God did not take away his pain, but instead sent him an angel to help him through the pain. To be by his side, when it felt more than Christ could bear alone. I have had many angels in my life. My husband, my son, my parents, my family and friends. I am so truly humbled and grateful to have a new angel in my life, named Heather. Beautiful Heather. I know that God has sent you to me, to help me through my toughest of struggles. To make me laugh and make my burdens lighter. How grateful am I?

So my love, I need you too. Let's get through this thing.