My New Life

I'm sure most of you know about Christian and Stephanie Nielson. In 2008, they were in a horrible airplane accident, which led to Stephanie having burns over 90% of her body. Christian is my cousin-in-law's brother, and such a sweet-heart. I've never met Stephanie, but I feel like I know her as I'm sure many others feel through her amazing story and open discussions about her journey of healing. She and Christian are such an inspiration to me.

I don't like to compare my trials with others' trials, because it makes me feel guilty for not doing better in my circumstance. Many feel that it is good to compare trials, because it makes you grateful for how much better your life is than theirs. I know that my trials are nothing compared to the trials that others feel. Especially sweet Stephanie (Nie Nie). But one thing I know is that my trials are the most I can handle, although at times I don't know if I can handle them at all. I don't like to compare trials. . .

But I DO love to gain strength through the examples of others as they strive for healing of body and spirit, such as Nie Nie. I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing individuals on this earth, whom have help me grow so much. I hate to think of the pain they have had to go through, so that I could learn my lesson and be grateful for what I have. . . But then again, I am comparing.

I am grateful that those who go through so much pain, sorrow, and illness. . .hold on to their lives. There have been two specific times in my life where I have tried to end my life because of my pain and anguish both physically and mentally, but my dearest husband saved me. I am grateful for this. One of my favorite stories in which I feel deeply ingrained, is "The Lord of the Rings" series. I feel so close to Frodo, as he fights a battle that he never thought would even be a part of his life. As he fights not even half of his battle, he wants to give up. He doesn't believe he can go on. More importantly, he doesn't want to go on. So he trusts in his dear friend, Sam.

Frodo Baggins : I can't do this Sam.

Sam Gamgee: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
--- Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I have the good. I have what's worth fighting for. My husband. My son. My family. They are fighting for me as much as I want to fight for them. Maybe even more. I love looking in my husband's eyes and feeling true acceptance for my many faults. I love laughing with him until our bellies ache. I love that his laugh is even louder than mine! I love his sensitivity, for he doesn't compare his many trials with mine. I love looking at my son after he's in bed asleep each night. I always kiss him and tell him how proud I am of him. I tell him I love him. I become reflective of the blessing he is in my life. I want to squeeze him forever and never let him go.

I know that Heavenly Father has spared my life, so that I can continue to learn about the most important healer, Jesus Christ. When I feel lost with questions to my health problems, I begin searching for the answers through health journals, the internet, and my many doctors. I have every test done, try every medicine to see which one can alleviate any of the pain. Sometimes I feel that my illness is "too complicated" to get better just through prayer and faith in Jesus Christ, which I know isn't true. But my mind tricks me into thinking that I can only get better through the aid of doctors and medicine, so I just give up all together and don't even ask God for help at all. Why do I do this?? I don't know. But I do know that I have had glimpses of time where no amount of pain medication or around the clock care is even close to helping me get through one more minute. . .so I ask for a blessing. I have no other option to live. The blessing gives me peace for a moment. Reminds me what it feels like without pain. For just a moment. That is what I hold on to. That I can feel like that again.

Stephanie was interviewed by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Here is her interview. She said a phrase in here that hit me so hard and I just sat here weeping. "My name is Stephanie Nielson, and I am NOT my body."

I have let my illnesses take over my spirit. I have let my illnesses label who I am and determine everything I can or can't do. I pray that I can learn this important lesson that I have gained through Nie Nie. . . "I am Ashley, and I am NOT my body."

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.