I AM

I pride myself on honesty. I know sometimes I give too much information. But I also want to share my continuing story with others that may also be struggling. . .just so they know they are not alone.

Last month I was admitted to a psychiatric ward in a nearby hospital for wanting to take my life. I couldn't stand the pain anymore, the hurt, the never-ending struggle for answers to my health. Regan and I decided the best thing was for me to have intensive care at the hospital. It was a horrible. I have never been so frightened. I slept on the bathroom floor because I was scared of my roommate. I felt abandoned, and like a failure. Luckily, my stay was short lived as the psychiatrist enrolled me in an outpatient program every day so that I could be home with Cole and Regan. This program has helped me in so many ways. I will share more things I have learned in a future post. But for now, I would like to post what I Am. This is an exercise that helps me to be mindful of the present (not the past or the future) and that anything you feel is not bad. Even if it is a "negative" feeling. They are what they are. You can't tell someone to not feel guilty, because it is a feeling. It is what you do with that feeling that matters. It seems rather selfish to talk about myself. But it is good to remember the good things about yourself. . .especially when you feel you are of no worth. . .

I Am Ashley

Hi! I'm Ashley.
I am Ashley and I am honest.
I am sensitive, and I am creative.
I am in therapy.
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle life, but sometimes I am courageous.
I am spiritual.
I am empathetic.
Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for my child, but sometimes I feel like a wonderful mother.
To my son, I am "Honey".
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I am an American.
I have Lyme's Disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, hypothyroidism, bipolar depression, anxiety, endometriosis, mono, Brucillosis, a heital hernia, kidney stones, anemia, and migraines.
I see the best in people.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel nothing.
I can speak Portuguese.
I am well-traveled.
I am too hard on myself.
Sometimes I feel guilty, but I am working on that.
Sometimes I feel depressed. Then the light shines through the clouds.
Sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I have no tears left.
I am close to my family because of the Ranch.
Sometimes I wish that I could live at the Ranch.
I have felt grief. I have felt loss.
I have overcome a difficult illness.
I am nurturing.
I am overcoming my addiction to pain killers.
Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I regret wanting to die.
I am the daughter of a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me.
Sometimes I don't believe that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, but I am working on that.
I am patient, but sometimes I am tired of waiting.
Sometimes I stay in my pajamas for a week. Or two.
I am outdoorsy.
Sometimes I feel scared and alone, but sometimes I feel like I have all the support in the world.
I am the daughter of supportive, lovable, nurturing parents.
I have a firm testimony of Jesus Christ as my Savior, and of God as my Father in Heaven.
I am sincere.
Sometimes I remember what it is like to be happy. Sometimes I AM happy.
I have a loving guardian angel for a husband.
I have a son that reminds me how wonderful life is.
I am very close to my mother.
I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a wife, a mother, a friend.
I have attended 3 years of college.
I love antiques.
I have lived in another country.
I have lived in 4 states.
I am happy when my son holds my hand.
I feel loved when my husband makes me smile.
I am strong.
I am a survivor.
I am emotional.
I have been skydiving in Brazil.
Sometimes I lay on the couch all day. Sometimes I take 4-hour naps.
I don't take happiness for granted.
I have a supportive and prayerful family.
Sometimes it is hard for me to eat, but I am working on that.
I like to camp, hike, pick wildflowers, drink from streams, get dirt on my jeans, get splinters in my feet, smell the peach blossoms, lick the sidewalk, watch the sunset, gaze at stars, throw a frisbee.
I am an actress, a photographer, a pianist.
I am giving.
Sometimes I am angry about the trials in my life, but I know that they have made me the person I AM.
I am Ashley and I am grateful to be alive.
I am who I am, and I'm glad to meet you.
Who are you?

"I am a part of everybody. Without me there would be no 'everybody'-only 'everybody minus one', an incomplete world. I can make the world more complete just by being me."
--unknown