Better Days Ahead

Yesterday I wanted to climb a mountain and paint the town red!! (whatever that phrase means) The doctor felt that the many antibiotics were just too much for my body, so he gave me a "pill holiday" to lift my spirits. And it did! It definitely did. I know I have so long to go to rid myself and my family of this Lyme Disease, but I have learned so much already. Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I didn't think life could get any worse. I was always in so much pain and exhaustion, that I didn't know how to care for my husband and baby boy. I couldn't figure out how to be happy with the life that I had been given. I knew I had so many blessings, but it was so hard to see those blessings when all the pain was in the way. This year has been no stranger to suffering in my little family. But then I started taking over 30 pills a day for Lyme Disease. The pills made me more sick than I could have ever imagined. I thought I was tougher than I am!! I thought, "3 months of treatments? No problem!!" But after one week of the treatment, it was already more than I could bare.

So I get a pill holiday! Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I woke up with a migraine, I was nauseous, and sore from the penicillin shot the night before. But I was so dang happy I could barely stand it! No pain I felt yesterday could compare to last week, and I was just happy to not be in that same state. Although the pill holiday was only one day, I am so grateful for the break. Plus now Dr. Whitaker is starting me up slowly on the antibiotics so we may be able to figure out which ones are making me so sick. This gives me more hope.

I have been reading a book that belonged to my husband's late Grandmother England. It is called "Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy" by Richard G. Scott. There have been many spiritual insights that have helped so much in the last few days. I thought I would share one. Lately I have really struggled with having faith I Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have been taught my whole life that if you have enough faith in them, that anything is possible. I've tried so hard over the last 6 years to have that faith. The faith for me to get better, or to at least be able to live with my illness. I used to be untouchable with energy and excitement for life. But that love of life quickly dwindled with my diagnosis 6 years ago with Fibromyalgia. No matter how much faith I tried to have, it was never enough. I thought God didn't love me, or that I just didn't have enough faith. Then, a few days ago, I read in this book by Elder G. Scott.

He said, " Your Heavenly Father's invitation to 'ask, and ye shall receive' does not assure that you will get what you want. It does guarantee that, if worthy, you will get what you need, as judged by an all-knowing Father who loves you perfectly and who wants your eternal happiness even more than you do."

How could I be so stupid? I have known it all along, but Elder Scott said it so perfectly that it spoke right to my heart. I have had many prayers over the years, and tried many different approaches to my "illness problem." I have asked God to take my illness away, to help me have the strength to deal with it, and to make me happy in spite of it. But never have I truly humbled myself to trust that He actually knows what I need more than I do. Not only does He know more than me about what I need, but He actually wants me to be happy more than I do! No matter how much searching I do on the internet, or doctors I see, or medical testing I have done will ever compare to the expansive knowledge of my Heavenly Father. He knows exactly what I need. I still don't know what that is, but I'm trying hard to have the faith that my Heavenly Father does. This illness may not go away anytime soon. But I must have the faith that, as Elder Scott puts it, God "would not require [me] to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for [my] personal benefit or that of those [I] love."

I am so grateful for this enlightenment. And I know it would have never come if I didn't stop making excuses for my spiritual growth and actually pick up this book by Elder Scott. The gospel of Jesus Christ is there to help us in our times of need. We don't know everything. But God does. He wants to help us, but we have to let Him.

Love, Ashley