Random pics and videos for Grandmas

Cole misses his Grandmas. What's more, I miss his grandmas missing his moments! So here are a few!

Utah Jazz Buzz Lightyear Batman

My favorite new thing that Cole said to me this week:

Cuddled up in my lap one morning, Cole put his little hand on my face and said with a look of disappointment,

"Honey? I wish that I had a brother and a sister."

I replied, "I wish you did, too, Cole."

He thought for a second and said, "But, Honey?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I am just so happy that I have a honey and a daddy."

I AM

I pride myself on honesty. I know sometimes I give too much information. But I also want to share my continuing story with others that may also be struggling. . .just so they know they are not alone.

Last month I was admitted to a psychiatric ward in a nearby hospital for wanting to take my life. I couldn't stand the pain anymore, the hurt, the never-ending struggle for answers to my health. Regan and I decided the best thing was for me to have intensive care at the hospital. It was a horrible. I have never been so frightened. I slept on the bathroom floor because I was scared of my roommate. I felt abandoned, and like a failure. Luckily, my stay was short lived as the psychiatrist enrolled me in an outpatient program every day so that I could be home with Cole and Regan. This program has helped me in so many ways. I will share more things I have learned in a future post. But for now, I would like to post what I Am. This is an exercise that helps me to be mindful of the present (not the past or the future) and that anything you feel is not bad. Even if it is a "negative" feeling. They are what they are. You can't tell someone to not feel guilty, because it is a feeling. It is what you do with that feeling that matters. It seems rather selfish to talk about myself. But it is good to remember the good things about yourself. . .especially when you feel you are of no worth. . .

I Am Ashley

Hi! I'm Ashley.
I am Ashley and I am honest.
I am sensitive, and I am creative.
I am in therapy.
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle life, but sometimes I am courageous.
I am spiritual.
I am empathetic.
Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for my child, but sometimes I feel like a wonderful mother.
To my son, I am "Honey".
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I am an American.
I have Lyme's Disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, hypothyroidism, bipolar depression, anxiety, endometriosis, mono, Brucillosis, a heital hernia, kidney stones, anemia, and migraines.
I see the best in people.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel nothing.
I can speak Portuguese.
I am well-traveled.
I am too hard on myself.
Sometimes I feel guilty, but I am working on that.
Sometimes I feel depressed. Then the light shines through the clouds.
Sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I have no tears left.
I am close to my family because of the Ranch.
Sometimes I wish that I could live at the Ranch.
I have felt grief. I have felt loss.
I have overcome a difficult illness.
I am nurturing.
I am overcoming my addiction to pain killers.
Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I regret wanting to die.
I am the daughter of a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me.
Sometimes I don't believe that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, but I am working on that.
I am patient, but sometimes I am tired of waiting.
Sometimes I stay in my pajamas for a week. Or two.
I am outdoorsy.
Sometimes I feel scared and alone, but sometimes I feel like I have all the support in the world.
I am the daughter of supportive, lovable, nurturing parents.
I have a firm testimony of Jesus Christ as my Savior, and of God as my Father in Heaven.
I am sincere.
Sometimes I remember what it is like to be happy. Sometimes I AM happy.
I have a loving guardian angel for a husband.
I have a son that reminds me how wonderful life is.
I am very close to my mother.
I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a wife, a mother, a friend.
I have attended 3 years of college.
I love antiques.
I have lived in another country.
I have lived in 4 states.
I am happy when my son holds my hand.
I feel loved when my husband makes me smile.
I am strong.
I am a survivor.
I am emotional.
I have been skydiving in Brazil.
Sometimes I lay on the couch all day. Sometimes I take 4-hour naps.
I don't take happiness for granted.
I have a supportive and prayerful family.
Sometimes it is hard for me to eat, but I am working on that.
I like to camp, hike, pick wildflowers, drink from streams, get dirt on my jeans, get splinters in my feet, smell the peach blossoms, lick the sidewalk, watch the sunset, gaze at stars, throw a frisbee.
I am an actress, a photographer, a pianist.
I am giving.
Sometimes I am angry about the trials in my life, but I know that they have made me the person I AM.
I am Ashley and I am grateful to be alive.
I am who I am, and I'm glad to meet you.
Who are you?

"I am a part of everybody. Without me there would be no 'everybody'-only 'everybody minus one', an incomplete world. I can make the world more complete just by being me."
--unknown

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

So this post should have come AFTER the next post, but I had technical difficulties. Anyway, we decided drive down to NYC for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was lots of very tiring fun. Kev, you wanted floats? Well, here are your floats. And YES, that is Jimmy Fallon waving at ME.

CHRISTMAS TREE

Sorry that I haven't posted for a long time. I know that many of my loved ones want updates on how I'm doing because I have constantly felt so many prayers on my behalf. I want you all to know how much your prayers mean to me. Things have been difficult, as you know, and I haven't received too many answers. But I am in a Therapy group with a lot of people that have many of the same struggles as I have, so it helps to get input from how they deal with their illnesses. I also FINALLY found a primary care doctor that didn't laugh in my face and make me cry because they thought that I literally moved to Connecticut to get pain killers! This new doctor is such a blessing. He understands what I'm going through and has some good ideas to help me deal with the pain. He says that my hip pain is from bursitis, and that ice and possibly cortisol injections will help with that. It would be such a miracle to get rid of this pain so that I could sleep better and maybe even walk for longer distances than down the hallway of our apartment building!! He is also testing my cortisol and thyroid levels to give me the correct dosage to help those problems. I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, so we are trying to find the right medications to decrease the roller coaster ups and downs. But I think the best thing about this doctor is that he can be the puppet master in sending me to the correct specialists to diagnose my real problems so that I don't feel so hopeless after waiting for months to see a specialist with no answers. . .again.

We now have Cole in an all-day preschool, which helps me a lot. I am able to attend my group sessions in the morning, then get some much needed rest in the afternoon. Regan is doing well at his job at The Hartford. He has passed all the intense tests of the program and is now in active duty of selling insurance policies. So far so good.

We have been so blessed with ward members that are so willing to help us. I have been overwhelmed by their goodness. I also know that many of you have been fasting and praying for me, and I my greatest hope is that God listens to your prayers to get me through this. I have to admit that my faith has been greatly shaken. So I may have to rely on your faith to get through this. I really hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Hopefully I will have more of an "up-beat" post soon. God bless us, God bless us. . .everyone! (Or in Kevin's role of playing Tiny Tim at 5 years old. . ."God bleth uth, God bleth uth, everyone!")

All I really want for Christmas this year are two things:

One: A big Christmas tree. I have to have a Christmas tree. Regan got it for me, and it is beautiful. It ALMOST smells as good as a Grover Tree.

Two: Hope.

I hope Santa gets my letter.

p.s. The random picture with streaky lights is what I picture rain will be like in Heaven. Wouldn't that be awesome??!

Connecticut in the Fall

It's official. We have moved to Manchester, Connecticut to get better treatment for my Lyme's Disease. Regan is serving tables at Carrabbas Italian Grill at nights and is looking for a full-time day job so we can afford to live out here! We got a screamin deal on our apartment, though, and our ward and area are so great. The fall is GORGEOUS. You can't go down a single street without feeling nostalgic about early America or see the enormous Maple trees and Cottonwoods. I guess you could say, It's a perfect place to harvest ticks.
I got to see an Infectious Disease Specialist in whom many told me is the best Lyme Disease doctor in Connecticut. She was great. She looked over my bloodwork and said I definitely have chronic Lyme's Disease, but that she doesn't think that it is the main cause of my symptoms anymore. She said that I have had beyond the sufficient amount of antibiotics that should have taken away the high fevers, extensive body pain, and nausea beyond all reason. So, of course, she is running more tests. She is also sending me to a Neurologist, a Rheumatologist, and a Gastroenterologist to try to find more answers. I see her again in a week to get more blood results to see if some of my Lyme has turned into arthritis yet, or if I have C-difficile amongst other things. As of now, we are trying to find a preschool for Cole while I rest, a job for Regan so we can pay the bills, and health insurance to help us with any of it! We miss our family terribly already, but are so excited about this new adventure. We really love Connecticut. We have plenty of room for anyone that wants to visit! We're close to New York City, Boston, you name it! We'd love to have you.







Out our front door on a walk with Cole.


































































































































This is the front of our apartment complex, The Clocktower Mills. I guess they used to be old silk mills.













This is what you see when you walk through our front door. Half bath on the left, huge walk-in coat closet on left, kitchen on right and stairs to our downstairs bedrooms. Don't you LOVE the brick walls?








This is the kitchen nook area. The kitchen is to the right.









Can you believe the height of these ceilings? My place is HUGE!




















Cole's Bedroom. I won't show you ours, because it is still unpacked and I'm sure it will be months to have it presentable!


































I went to a historical society "tag sale" (garage sale for antiques) around the corner this afternoon, and found some really amazing things! I had so much fun there. Found some great old suitcases for decoration, and even an old record player box to finally display my records I've collected over time. I also got a globe that I LOVE, that goes great with the Ranch map I stole off the wall. Kidding, but Uncle Pat was going to chuck it so I claimed that baby up quick!



This video will be boring to most, so it is dedicated to Cole's grandmas from far far away. He is making up a song about A Bug's Life (which he's never seen.) He sings some pretty low and high notes, and I think I even caught a country twang in there! He's his daddy's boy!

Connecticut. . .Here we come!!

I have many pictures to still post from our awesome summer in Boston, but it will take me a while to get to it. . .

So I guess Regan, Cole, and I are moving to Connecticut to get the Lyme's Disease treatment that I need. I was informed by my doctor in Connecticut that I need another PICC line treatment as soon as possible. And not for 4 weeks this time. . .for twelve. My bloodwork shows that I am at HIGH risk for blood clots, not to mention I have about ten new viruses that have shown up because of my low immune system. I am extremely anemic and have hypothyroidism. No wonder I have been feeling like total crap!! And this all happened because of a tick the size of a poppy seed!! The Doc says that because all of it is caused from the Lyme's Disease, we have the best chance of getting these infections to go away by doing another PICC line treatment.

I looked into it, and no one in Utah will do the treatment for that long because they would have a lawsuit on their butts for doing it. In Connecticut, it is a STATE LAW that chronic Lyme's Disease is COVERED!! No matter how long you need treatment!! The doctor I have been working with out there unfortunately can't order the treatment I need because he is a Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue doctor, so I will need to find a new infectious disease specialist out there to do the treatment. But we know everything will work out. We have prayed intensely over this decision to do this without my family close by to help me through the treatment or to live in Connecticut where I will get the treatment I need for a whole lot less than $90,000! We have felt the spirit confirm that Connecticut is the place for my little family. We will probably live there for at least two years so Regan can finish school.

I am scared to death about leaving my family, but this is what Heavenly Father has told us we need to do. I know He will take care of us and help us find our way. My family is packing up my apartment as we speak while I rest at my mom's. Regan will fly to Connecticut on Tuesday and look for a job, a place to live, and health insurance for me to get my treatment. We are hoping that he can figure this all out in a few weeks, then he will fly back home. Then we will pack up the moving van and drive across the country. My doctor REALLY didn't want me to travel before this treatment because it takes so much out of the body, but we really don't have another choice.

So here we come Connecticut!! Please be a good little state and protect my family!

Beautiful Boston, I am here.

It's been about one month for me in Boston, and the first two weeks were really fun! Regan, Cole, and I took "the T" (train) into the city to see Harvard Square. It was a beautiful day, warm with bouts of rain. We ate at an outdoor pizzaria under an awning right in front of a band playing in the street. Cole was lovin it as you can see in the pic of him at our table! Then it down-poured out of nowhere. . .yet we were safe under our awning. So we had a romantic dinner with the smell of rain all around us. It was perfect. We took a visit to campus and headed back. It was a great day. The old red brick buildings surrounded by the green trees and grass make me so happy!!

We've made some really great friends out here already. A bunch of "the wives" our APEX men have boys the same age, so they get to play together a lot. Cole's best friends are Brock, Dillan, Jack, and Cohen. It's fun to go to the playground area in our complex and know that there will most likey be other wives out there with their little ones playing too. Cole also LOVES to swim. That kid is part fish. I put a little life jacket and tube on him and he swims around the pool by himself for hours. (Don't worry, Grandmas! I'm supervising closely.)

For the first few weeks I felt better than I have in a long time. I was still healing from my surgery and pnemonia craziness, but it was definitely manageable. But of course my body was just dying to check out a real live Boston Hospital, and so we "visited" the E.R. a few weeks ago. Just the same old drill: Fever of 102 for over a week, EXTREME nausea, overall immense body pain, lower abdomen pain, the overall feeling that I couldn't live another second in so much pain, yadda yadda yoo. Well, after testing they said that nothing I have would kill me and to go see a doctor during regular business hours.

So last weekend, for our anniversary, Regan and I drove to Connecticut to see a specialist in Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, and Lyme's Disease. He works for the same company as my Utah doctor, so it was a semi-smooth transition. I absolutely adore my Utah doctor, and will continue to see him when I return to Utah; but it was really cool seeing a doctor in the state in which "Lyme's Disease" got it's name. Plus this doctor has Lyme Disease and has treated many patients with it, so he has some great plans for me. The costs are extreme, and my insurance won't cover it. But we feel that is important that we take advantage of medicine on the east coast where they know a lot more about Lyme than we know on the west coast. We hope it will pay off in the long run! Mostly I hope that we will be able to get this flare up of symptoms under control FAST so I can enjoy and explore the little time we have left in this gorgeous state.

So, here are some pics to enjoy. Some are of Harvard, some of our pizzaria, some of Cole with his friends Brock and Dillan, and a video for his grandmas. The video gives you a taste of how I tire Cole out if I'm too sick to let him go outside and play! I thought we were singing "Little Bunny Foo Foo," but apparently we were singing, "5 Little Monkeys".