Ashtree Place

Coo-Coo for Tutus!!

2011-11-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

Hear ye, hear ye! I finally have my tutu site up! I realize I haven't posted in a long time. A lot has happened since my last post. At that time I had a PICC line (permanent IV) to administer antibiotics to treat my Lyme Disease. I did really well at first! So I decided to do something to help pay for the extensive, slightly ridiculous medical bills. I started making tutus. Who would have thought that this tomboy would ever make tutus, and really enjoy it? It has also been a great hobby because it helps me concentrate on something other than the pain.

Soon after I started my business, my treatment went south and I was bed-ridden once more. After a few months of being really sick, my PICC line got infected with a staff infection that covered the space of my whole arm. So my treatment, again, had a speed bump. Soon after this happening, my husband lost his job because he, too, is incredibly ill and couldn't fulfill his hours. We are quite the pair! There was a period of time when we both were crawling around the house because we were too sick to stand! My poor little 5-year-old Cole learned much too early what its like to grab food or meds for mommy, or a bowl in case I need to throw up. He also learned that he can't wrestle too much with daddy anymore, so they would just read or color instead. I am so proud of my little boy. What would we have done without him during this troubled time?

When Regan lost his job, we decided that enough is enough and moved back to Utah to be closer to family for help. We are living in Regan's sister's basement in Saratoga Springs, and we are both seeing a homeopathic doctor in hopes of getting rid of the toxins that all of the antibiotics left behind. Not too mention all of the worms and spirochetes left in my system. So far the treatment is kicking our butts, but we're just glad that we found someone that knows something about Lyme in Utah. Plus, having family to help means everything to us. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

Anyway, I am a tutu-making machine, so please take a look at my website!! www.coocoofortutus.com. I have listed many pics with prices. I accept cash or check via mail, and you can get ahold of me by emailing me or calling me. coocoofortutus@gmail.com. (860)-299-5133. You may also find me on Facebook (Ashley Radebaugh Whimpey) and chat with me there to discuss your order. These tutus make great Christmas presents!!

Thanks for supporting my treatment costs and for your friendship and love. Hope you have a Merry Christmas!! Here's a little taste. . .

Come visit my site!! www.coocoofortutus.com. Spread the word!

30 Reasons Why Having Lyme’s Disease Automatically Makes You Hardcore

2011-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

The other day I read a blog that was truly hilarious. A fellow Lymie wrote a blog entitled “25 Reasons Why Being a Lyme Patient May Automatically Make You a Badass”. I have stolen some of her ideas, and decided I should make my own list. Please take the time to read her list as well at www.infectiousoptimism.blogspot.com.

This Lymie spoke of how strange our lives are, and I think most people with Lyme’s Disease would agree. We take 6 hour jaunts to the doctor and return to a messy house full of medications and medical bills. Our fridges and cupboards are stocked full of Gluten-free products and probiotics. The only time we actually leave the house is to see a doctor, because the cold outside can literally make us cry from pain. We take one or two naps a day, and spend some good time looking up our health conditions on Google so that we can try to make sense of the life we have been given. But the best part of all of this is that it has become normal for us. Our lives may seem so strange or even tragic to an outsider looking in. But to us, it’s just life. And sometimes I think to myself, “My life is weird.”

To quote this Lymie, she said, “At this point, I could have had a pity party. Instead though, I smiled. I thought about how cool some of my experiences have been, despite how weird they truly are, and how proud I've been of myself for making it through some of the outlandish, yet astonishingly horrific things that have happened to me and to my body. I decided that this all doesn't make me weird. I think it makes me a badass.”

So here is Ashley’s list of why I am also a “badass”. This is a list not meant to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to join in the laughter that is my life. Hope you enjoy!

30 Reasons Why Having Lyme’s Disease Automatically Makes You Hardcore

1. You take 34 pills a day and can swallow 6-8 at a time.

2. You watch Grey’s Anatomy and you know the names of many of the oral and i.v. medications they give to their patients including correct dosage, side effects, and reasons for needing that med. . .because you’ve had to take most of them.

3. You collapse or faint at least 5 times a day and laugh when you hit the ground rather than panic.

4. Your family calls you for advice on medical conditions and medications as if you were a pharmacist or doctor, and you usually have an answer for them.

5. You used to rock climb and backpack to be hardcore. Now your new Everests are passing kidney stones, shopping for groceries, or doing laundry.

6. You have 4 or more debilitating migraines a week.

7. Before the tick bite, you couldn’t spend enough time outdoors; sleeping on a dirt floor on a mountain was better than a bed. Now you are terrified to even sit on the grass in your front yard or allow your child to play outside.

8. You move your husband and child to the other side of the U.S. to get proper treatment without any family nearby to help through the rough patches.

9. It takes the phlebotomists at least 7 pricks to draw blood because all of your veins have been used so much they have collapsed or “dried up”.

10. You drive on the wrong side of the road because you can’t remember which side is the right side of the road. This almost results in a head-on collision going 45 mph with your 4-yr-old son in the car. And yes, my husband took my keys away.

11. You have a nickname for the come-and-go sharp-as-hell pain in your abdomen. KOBS. Kidney Ovary Bowel Stone. Because each time you go to the E.R., it is one of those 3 issues.

12. Before the tick, you were healthy and did not “believe” in medication. After the tick bite you have been diagnosed with Lyme's Disease, Ehrlichiosis, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, hypothyroidism, bipolar depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, endometriosis, mono, brucellosis, a hiatal hernia, gall stones, kidney stones, anemia, distended colon, Candida, 12 lesions in brain, insomnia, and migraines.

13. Within the last 3 years you’ve had your appendix, gall bladder, and tonsils taken out. . .because the doctors just didn’t know what else to do. Oh, and the day after your tonsils are taken out, you catch pneumonia and end up in the ICU for a week.

14. You are like Bella Swan, only rather than attracting hot vampires and werewolves, you attract infectious diseases.

15. You have 21 doctors saved in your cell phone.

16. You’ve been inches from death too many times, and your husband knows how to keep you alive better than the medical staff at the hospital.

17. You’ve seen over 50 doctors in the past 10 years and all but 6 convinced you that you were not sick and that you were creating it in your mind. This eventually makes you crazy and you check yourself into the psych ward.

18. While driving, you can’t remember where you are or how to get home, and sometimes even how to drive.

19. You have to check a calendar to remember when in the world was the last time you took a shower. And usually it’s been a week or two.

20. Once in a while you have a dream that you are not sick and you wake up with tears in your eyes.

21. You’ve gone a whole month without going “number 2.”

22. You’ve had to say, “Hi. My name is Ashley Whimpey. And I have Chronic Lyme’s Disease” to a small crowd of people in a circle.

23. Most girls don’t leave the house without making sure their lip gloss is safely tucked in their purse. In your purse, you have emergency medications in case of severe pain, nausea, or an anxiety attack. In most cases, you will need to take all three.

24. You’ve had numerous IV bags full of something that an average person would never consider injecting into their veins, nor will they ever have to.

25. You’ve had a fever of 101 degrees for about 10 years.

26. Every day you have to make the choice of whether to be weak and faint from not eating and drinking, or in major intestinal pain from eating and drinking.

27. When you fill out a “symptom survey” at the doctor’s office, you begrudgingly check off 47 of the 60 symptoms listed. If you were being completely honest with yourself, you’d probably check off 52.

28. You’ve had injections thicker than toothpaste shot into your neck, back, hips, and bum, and you didn’t even cry. . .or receive a lollypop.

29. You voluntarily take oral and iv antibiotics that you know will make you feel like crap and want to die, so that one day you can be the wife and mother you have always wanted to be.

30. You’ve been sick every day of your life for more than 10 years and still manage to be optimistic enough, and brave enough, to wake up every morning and do it all again.

I had so much fun writing this list. Whenever you think your life is weird or that it is eating you up, just remember . . . YOU ARE HARDCORE!! Please everyone . . . not just Lymies. . .write your own list. I’d love to read them all.

Who needs a gall bladder anyway?

2010-10-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Before doctor's appointment last week:

So, I was FINALLY able to get my PICC line with i.v. rosephin for my Lyme. This is the best way to treat chronic Lyme. It is the only medication that breaks the blood/brain barrier. . .meaning that it will work on my mind as well as my body. This should help with my depression, anxiety, short term memory loss, and help me remember how to drive so that I don't all of a sudden forget what side of the road I'm supposed to drive on and take the left side of the median with my child in the car. (Yes, my husband has taken my keys away). My wonderful doctor in New York, Dr. Daniel J. Cameron, wanted to have my iv rosephin for a minimum of 3 months, bu could be up to a year. Basically, they want you on the picc until you no longer feel sick. I had mine for 2 months, and was still sick as a dog. I had an extremely hard time eating and drinking, which caused me to collapse. I could barely lift my arms or walk five steps without needing to stop and gain my strength again. Yikes. At least I only had one ER visit, so I count myself lucky!!

Unfortunately, rosephin paralyzes your gall bladder so while on the medication we stay on the gall bladder diet. It wasn't that bad, I don't eat too many greasy foods anyway. Then one day. . .NO!!!! I started having gb pain. We checked it out, and sure enough I had many stones and sludge. The doctor immediately pulled my picc out. You have no idea how upset I was. I just bawled as he pulled out the line, because this is why we moved here. For THIS treatment. And because of my stupid gall bladder, I couldn't continue.

After my doctor's appointment last week:

The damage to my gb is irreversible and very dangerous, so I am getting it out tomorrow!!! Yay! It seems a waste. The pain isn't that bad. For me, my kidney stones are worse. But hey, this way I won't have to deal with anymore passing of stones, and I will be able to start treatment over again. Just another road block. . .I'm used to those. :) Regan's mom came out for the surgery. . .the little angel. It's been fun seeing her and its been great for my boys.

So in a nutshell, wish me luck!! Lets get this gall bladder out and start this thing over again!!!

To my friend Heather,

2010-10-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Dearest Heather,
OH, Heather Heather Heather. I read your email late last night, and I printed it off and read it over and over again before I fell asleep. Regan read it, too. He told me, "Ash, this is how I know that we are in the right place. I have the distinct feeling like I've read this before. Much more powerful than deja-vu. Almost like I knew her even before I came to this earth, and that she would be a powerful influence in your life."

Before we moved here, we were in Utah. I had received info and labs from a doctor out here that said I must get treated for my Lyme with a PICC asap. He said I couldn't wait any longer, but that he wasn't qualified to do the treatment himself. We searched for doctors in Utah and found a few prospects. . .but something didn't feel right. We prayed so hard about where to go that would be the best place for our family. The answer came strongly to my husband. . ."Go to Connecticut." I was upset that I didn't receive such a strong confirmation. I didn't feel like it was wrong, I just was so afraid. I was afraid to leave my family, in particular my mother, who goes above and beyond to get me feeling better, and my sister, Melanie, who has helped me keep my burdens light. . .and even funny at times. How would I get through this without them?

We didn't have a place to live, a job, or even a doctor yet. We just packed up our things and headed this way. Regan picked a place on the map of Connecticut. Manchester. He didn't know why. It just popped out at him. First he contacted the bishop, and told him of our situation. Reg wanted to know if the ward was a helpful ward, with people that would understand and be able to lift us when our burdens were too great. The bishop told us that the ward was miraculous, and that we would be in good hands here. And we have found that to be more than true.

But as we searched for a doctor, we couldn't find who we were looking for. I saw and infectious disease specialist, a rheumatologist, an internal medicine doc, and many ER docs. But the answers kept coming. . ."Nothing is Wrong with You!!!" Well, you know what happened next. I felt like I was going crazy. The physical and mental pain were too much to bear. I don't believe in suicide, but I felt that it was my only option to get out of this painful body. . .and to stop placing any burden on my family. Not that I was thinking clearly. . .but I wanted to take my life. But I was reminded of the time where I actually did try to take my life 2 years earlier, and the shame that followed when I saw my son afterward was enough to never try that again. So this time I told Regan I had a problem, and would not be able to wait 2 months to see a psychiatrist. I had to see someone tonight, if I wanted to save my life for my child.

We submitted myself to the psych unit in Manchester Hospital, which, as you know, was the worst experience in my life. I was so afraid. I was treated like a parasite, like all I wanted was drugs and ropes to strangle myself with. They took everything from me, even my Book of Mormon in which I needed to feel some peace. In group I listened to the others speaking of their situations, and how they had no one. I felt so lucky for my two boys, and needed them again deeply. I was so grateful that I had a family that loved me unconditionally, even though I gave up on life. They prayed and fasted for me. They told everyone they knew to pray for me. When I was released from the hospital, I felt the power of those prayers, and the love that my Heavenly Father had for me. I couldn't stop smiling!

I wish I could say that I held onto that love from everyone. I wish I could say that I kept my faith strong, and that everything would be okay. But I still had no idea what to do about my illness, and had convinced myself that I didn't have Lyme, but that I was just crazy. Maybe we should just move home. There is no point in being here. This isn't working out. Why did God tell us to come here? It had been such a horrible experience. Why would he let me leave my family, whom I needed so badly, only to find no answers in Connecticut?

Then my husband decided to switch car insurance, because ours was too expensive. The insurance agent Regan spoke to also had a friend with Lyme. And get this. . .she lived up the street from me and was being TREATED for LYME!!! WHAT IS HER NAME???!!!!

Heather. She told me of a doctor in New York, who was the President of ILADS. The International Lyme and Associated Diseases Society. He was treating her for Lyme. He would be treating her with rosephin in a PICC line soon. Regan and I felt like the heavens were open, pouring a multitude of blessings upon us. The peace we felt was overwhelming. This was right. There was no reason to fear. I called Dr. Cameron's office, and they got me in to see him the next day. Not in 2 months, the next day. . .because they knew how important it was for me to be treated immediately. They treated me with the sense of urgency that I knew I needed in order to get better. I did not fear my appointment. I knew it was the right place. The right doctor. But 2 hours away? Why didn't God tell us to move to New York? Why Connecticut?

Which brings me to you, Heather. Only you could understand how important it is to have someone that completely understands what each of us are going through. My husband is a dear angel, who has complete sympathy for me, and has never been upset with the strain my illness brings into our lives. He has been nothing less than a miracle in my life. I could not live without him. But last night after we read your email, I tried to explain to him what it means to me to have someone with Lyme to speak to. Who was going to the same doctor, receiving the same treatment, whom I can carpool with to every appointment (in which the nurse calls us back to see the doctor as "Heather and Ashley" as if we were attached at the hip, and not as separate patients ;) ). It is one thing to have sympathy, as does my husband. But it is another thing to have empathy, as you do. It's as if, just the fact we both have Lyme brings us immediately into a place of understanding. . . after knowing each other for only 5 minutes! But it is even more than that. It's knowing what to do when one or the other of us is down, how to help each other even if it is only a phone call (me), or picking up groceries, doing my errands, making me presents, doing my medical research, and making herself sicker by doing to much for the other (you). ;)
I have found a better friend that I could have ever wished for. And I literally don't know if I would have survived without you. Literally. I was lost, and now I am found.

The thing I love the most about you, is that you remind me, all the time. . .to have faith and hope. We do not come from the same Faith (church), but our love for and from God is the same. I know with all of my heart that God loves me and does not like to see me go through the pain and heartache that i do. But sometimes when life gets harder, i.e. getting my picc line pulled out before treatment is over to get my gall bladder removed (grrr), I forget that God is there for me. You remind me of that. You have so much faith in a time without Lyme (or living a good life with Lyme), and it makes me want to believe. I hope a strive to be more like you. I am truly grateful, and I know we will always remain friends.

When Jesus Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane, atoning for the sins and pains of the world, a miracle happened. And not just the miracle that we most think of with the Atonement. When Christ was in his toughest hour. . .feeling the most pain and sorrow. . .he prayed to his Father, "Wilt thou remove this cup from me?". Please God, take away this pain!!! God did not take away his pain, but instead sent him an angel to help him through the pain. To be by his side, when it felt more than Christ could bear alone. I have had many angels in my life. My husband, my son, my parents, my family and friends. I am so truly humbled and grateful to have a new angel in my life, named Heather. Beautiful Heather. I know that God has sent you to me, to help me through my toughest of struggles. To make me laugh and make my burdens lighter. How grateful am I?

So my love, I need you too. Let's get through this thing.

Under Our Skin

2010-08-03T18:40:00.001-07:00

Hello again. I have been wanting to post for a while, but my story is just too long and I didn't want to bore anyone with it. But it hurts my hands too much to write in a personal journal so I am mostly writing this for myself to remember all the stuff that is happening. So journal, here is what has been going on since my trip to Utah.

After my treatment for the Ehrlichiosis, I did not feel any better. I still felt so rotten. And I still had my fevers. After we got back from Utah, I was more lost than ever about my health, or lack thereof. Then this happened:

In June sometime I was on Facebook, and out of nowhere popped up an add about a documentary on Lyme called "Under Our Skin". I had heard about it. It won tons of awards across the U.S. and Canada. But I had never seen it. I ordered a copy. I can't tell you the feelings my husband and I had as we watched this documentary. We knew that this was what was wrong. We felt the spirit testify to us that this journey of Lyme had not finished, and that I needed help immediately. Finding a Lyme doctor is tricky. Insurance companies will not pay a cent for Lyme,. . .which is a whole other story explained in the documentary. I could not find a single doctor to treat my Lyme because they were afraid of losing their licenses, which is also another story. I kid you not, a conspiracy. (You must watch this documentary! You can check out copies of it at most Libraries.) So what were we to do?

Then my husband was on the phone at work with another insurance agent. This guy's best friend, Heather, also has Lyme and was getting treatment for it. She lives up the road from me here in Connecticut!!! I talked to her at once, and she told me of a doctor in New York that is the head of ILADS, an organization that does all of the most renowned research on Lyme Disease in the world!! He treats chronic Lyme!! I called his office, they said to get down there that day because it was crucial to get treatment as soon as possible. We found all of the answers that we were looking for.

Right now I am on an antibiotic that makes me sick as a dog. It's basically the same antibiotic I took in Utah times 4. I can't get off of the couch, and am in more pain than I was even before the meds, which I never thought possible. But that is a good sign. It means that it is killing the bugs. If you catch Lyme within a month of being bit, you can take a week of antibiotics and get rid of it. (So they say). But in my case, the Lyme has been working on my body for 10 years. It is in every tissue and muscle of my body. So there is some serious "die-off" happening. It is not fun. But every time my husband holds back my hair while I heave into the toilet, I ask my husband to remind me how lucky we are that we finally have a doctor that will treat this horrible disease. And we are.

This antibiotic is not doing the trick. It is helping, but we have to do a stronger, more intense treatment. I will have a PICC line (a permanent IV in my arm) in which I will inject antibiotics every day for a minimum of 3 months. A nurse will come and dress my bandage every week and do my blood work, and I will travel to NY every 2 weeks to see the progression with my doctor. I have done this treatment before, for just 4 weeks in Utah, which was nowhere near long enough. We had to stop treatment because we were up to $20,000 in medical bills for just 4 weeks!! Last time, this treatment worked really well. But as soon as I stopped, I was ill again within a week. We are hoping with an extended amount of antibiotics, we will be able to put my Lyme into remission. It will not be easy. My friend Heather got her PICC placed a few weeks ago, and she is so ill. I am so scared to go through with this. But my wonderful mama is coming out this week to help me through the worst at the beginning. The line will be placed on Wednesday of next week. Here we go!

I know that there a horrible things associated with antibiotics. Candida yeast overgrowth. . .which I already have...and other fun things. But that is the price you pay when you are a Lymie. Oh, speaking of price, my health insurance is not going to pay for a penny of my treatment. Which was the main reason we moved to Connecticut. Connecticut has a state law to cover chronic Lyme's Disease for no less than 30 days, including PICC line treatments. But, of course, our insurance company still found a way around the law. We will fight it, but I already know how it will go. Because we have been there before. Lovely. But when you get this sick, you will pay anything to get better. No amount of money is going to keep me feeling this miserable. I thought for so long that I was being selfish for that. Sacrificing so much of my families time, resources, and hard earned money just to make me better. . .when I don't do anything myself. But then I look at my son, and think of the mom I want to be for him. One that doesn't cry on the floor to her 3 year old to go get her some crackers so she can stand up. One who can play catch with him, and smile real smiles, without thinking about the next time I can have a pain killer to take the tiniest edge off the pain. A mommy that can be there for him, for what HE goes through. Not the other way around. Health is the most important thing for our family right now. And we will do whatever it takes to get us there. Then we'll leave the rest up to Heavenly Father.

Please take the time to educate yourselves about Lyme's Disease. It is becoming more and more prevalent every day. Please watch this short preview for "Under Our Skin", the documentary about Lyme. Thanks for everyone's support. I would not be able to do this without you.

Under Our Skin - Watch Movie

Ehrlichiosis? Seriously?

2010-05-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

Utah!! Finally!!! I am so excited to be home for a month to visit family and friends. My sis-in-law, Rachel, had to come into town for a few days, so I got to meet Devro!!! I was so afraid that I would never meet him until he was walking. He is such a sweetheart. I got to cuddle with him every night and smell his sweet baby hair and see those beautiful blue eyes staring at me with a giant smile. He's gonna be a little heartbreaker. I also got to meet Amber's little Tommy. Tommy is a miracle. He went through a lot in his first month of life, but you would never know it. He is so happy and smily that its contageous. There is never enough of that in the world, so I'm glad he could bring it to our family. Our whole fam got together and took a picture of Lee and Tani's grandkids in the backyard.

Picture from left to right

Jack, Sophie, Ellie holding Tommy, Kam holding Devro, Adam holding Brynn, Max, and Cole

Kids belong to:

Amber & John= Ellie, Sophie, and Tommy

Ryan & Lindsay= Kam, Adam, Max, and Brynn

Melanie & Jack= Jack

Ash & Reg= Cole

Kevin and Rach= Devro

It is great to be home and see everyone. . .and the beautiful mountains! I've missed them so much! I've been here for just one week, and it has been fun, but I dare-say challenging. My little story goes something like this.

About two months ago, I felt like my Lyme's Disease has resurfaced. I've been feeling all the symptoms that I know all too well become magnified once again. The daily migraines, the pain, not being able to concentrate or make decisions, the depression, the fevers. . .It didn't feel too great. I saw my doctor. I really love my doctor, except when it comes to matters of Lyme. I will later post the frustrations I have about the medical community and how split the doctors are on treatment plans and beliefs for Lyme's Disease. Some believe it is chronic if you had it for longer than 6 months before treatment. Other's believe that one week of antibiotics will kill it all and it will never come back. I, obviously, believe the former, because I have been treated and I am still so ill. I don't think my treatment was long enough. . .but that all is another story.

So as I was saying, I saw my doctor. I asked him if he would run another Lyme test to see if it has resurfaced. He said no, because he doesn't believe in chronic Lyme. He told me he was sick of hearing about Lyme from me, and didn't want to talk about it again. I told him that I was paying for the tests, so run it for me. He finally complied.

The night before my flight to Utah, the doc called. He sheepishly said that the Lyme looked good, but that I was bitten by another tick in the past few months. And not a Lyme tick this time. A Lone Star tick that carries the disease Ehrlichiosis. The symptoms are basically the same as Lyme. This tick is so rare that since it's discovery in 1998, there have been less than 3000 cases in the United States. Ever! HA AHA HA! Can you believe it? I'm so sick that I can barely go outside, yet somehow I was bit by this super rare tick that no one has heard of. How do I attract these things? I know I don't smell good, because I rarely shower and I cover myself in DEET. Maybe I have sweet-smelling blood like Bella Swan only I don't attract handsome vampires and werewolves. I attract tick-born infections. So anyway, the doctor put me on an antibiotic, so I've been pretty sick on my trip here in Utah trying to kill the little pests. But I am so grateful that we found out this early so that it didn't wreck too much havoc on my body.

Hilarious.

My New Life

2010-05-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you know about Christian and Stephanie Nielson. In 2008, they were in a horrible airplane accident, which led to Stephanie having burns over 90% of her body. Christian is my cousin-in-law's brother, and such a sweet-heart. I've never met Stephanie, but I feel like I know her as I'm sure many others feel through her amazing story and open discussions about her journey of healing. She and Christian are such an inspiration to me.

I don't like to compare my trials with others' trials, because it makes me feel guilty for not doing better in my circumstance. Many feel that it is good to compare trials, because it makes you grateful for how much better your life is than theirs. I know that my trials are nothing compared to the trials that others feel. Especially sweet Stephanie (Nie Nie). But one thing I know is that my trials are the most I can handle, although at times I don't know if I can handle them at all. I don't like to compare trials. . .

But I DO love to gain strength through the examples of others as they strive for healing of body and spirit, such as Nie Nie. I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing individuals on this earth, whom have help me grow so much. I hate to think of the pain they have had to go through, so that I could learn my lesson and be grateful for what I have. . . But then again, I am comparing.

I am grateful that those who go through so much pain, sorrow, and illness. . .hold on to their lives. There have been two specific times in my life where I have tried to end my life because of my pain and anguish both physically and mentally, but my dearest husband saved me. I am grateful for this. One of my favorite stories in which I feel deeply ingrained, is "The Lord of the Rings" series. I feel so close to Frodo, as he fights a battle that he never thought would even be a part of his life. As he fights not even half of his battle, he wants to give up. He doesn't believe he can go on. More importantly, he doesn't want to go on. So he trusts in his dear friend, Sam.

Frodo Baggins : I can't do this Sam.

Sam Gamgee: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
--- Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

I have the good. I have what's worth fighting for. My husband. My son. My family. They are fighting for me as much as I want to fight for them. Maybe even more. I love looking in my husband's eyes and feeling true acceptance for my many faults. I love laughing with him until our bellies ache. I love that his laugh is even louder than mine! I love his sensitivity, for he doesn't compare his many trials with mine. I love looking at my son after he's in bed asleep each night. I always kiss him and tell him how proud I am of him. I tell him I love him. I become reflective of the blessing he is in my life. I want to squeeze him forever and never let him go.

I know that Heavenly Father has spared my life, so that I can continue to learn about the most important healer, Jesus Christ. When I feel lost with questions to my health problems, I begin searching for the answers through health journals, the internet, and my many doctors. I have every test done, try every medicine to see which one can alleviate any of the pain. Sometimes I feel that my illness is "too complicated" to get better just through prayer and faith in Jesus Christ, which I know isn't true. But my mind tricks me into thinking that I can only get better through the aid of doctors and medicine, so I just give up all together and don't even ask God for help at all. Why do I do this?? I don't know. But I do know that I have had glimpses of time where no amount of pain medication or around the clock care is even close to helping me get through one more minute. . .so I ask for a blessing. I have no other option to live. The blessing gives me peace for a moment. Reminds me what it feels like without pain. For just a moment. That is what I hold on to. That I can feel like that again.

Stephanie was interviewed by our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Here is her interview. She said a phrase in here that hit me so hard and I just sat here weeping. "My name is Stephanie Nielson, and I am NOT my body."

I have let my illnesses take over my spirit. I have let my illnesses label who I am and determine everything I can or can't do. I pray that I can learn this important lesson that I have gained through Nie Nie. . . "I am Ashley, and I am NOT my body."

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Random pics and videos for Grandmas

2010-03-22T19:49:00.001-07:00

Cole misses his Grandmas. What's more, I miss his grandmas missing his moments! So here are a few!

Utah Jazz Buzz Lightyear Batman

My favorite new thing that Cole said to me this week:

Cuddled up in my lap one morning, Cole put his little hand on my face and said with a look of disappointment,

"Honey? I wish that I had a brother and a sister."

I replied, "I wish you did, too, Cole."

He thought for a second and said, "But, Honey?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I am just so happy that I have a honey and a daddy."

I AM

2010-01-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

I pride myself on honesty. I know sometimes I give too much information. But I also want to share my continuing story with others that may also be struggling. . .just so they know they are not alone.

Last month I was admitted to a psychiatric ward in a nearby hospital for wanting to take my life. I couldn't stand the pain anymore, the hurt, the never-ending struggle for answers to my health. Regan and I decided the best thing was for me to have intensive care at the hospital. It was a horrible. I have never been so frightened. I slept on the bathroom floor because I was scared of my roommate. I felt abandoned, and like a failure. Luckily, my stay was short lived as the psychiatrist enrolled me in an outpatient program every day so that I could be home with Cole and Regan. This program has helped me in so many ways. I will share more things I have learned in a future post. But for now, I would like to post what I Am. This is an exercise that helps me to be mindful of the present (not the past or the future) and that anything you feel is not bad. Even if it is a "negative" feeling. They are what they are. You can't tell someone to not feel guilty, because it is a feeling. It is what you do with that feeling that matters. It seems rather selfish to talk about myself. But it is good to remember the good things about yourself. . .especially when you feel you are of no worth. . .

I Am Ashley

Hi! I'm Ashley.
I am Ashley and I am honest.
I am sensitive, and I am creative.
I am in therapy.
Sometimes I feel like I can't handle life, but sometimes I am courageous.
I am spiritual.
I am empathetic.
Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for my child, but sometimes I feel like a wonderful mother.
To my son, I am "Honey".
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I am an American.
I have Lyme's Disease, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, hypothyroidism, bipolar depression, anxiety, endometriosis, mono, Brucillosis, a heital hernia, kidney stones, anemia, and migraines.
I see the best in people.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel nothing.
I can speak Portuguese.
I am well-traveled.
I am too hard on myself.
Sometimes I feel guilty, but I am working on that.
Sometimes I feel depressed. Then the light shines through the clouds.
Sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I have no tears left.
I am close to my family because of the Ranch.
Sometimes I wish that I could live at the Ranch.
I have felt grief. I have felt loss.
I have overcome a difficult illness.
I am nurturing.
I am overcoming my addiction to pain killers.
Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I regret wanting to die.
I am the daughter of a Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me.
Sometimes I don't believe that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, but I am working on that.
I am patient, but sometimes I am tired of waiting.
Sometimes I stay in my pajamas for a week. Or two.
I am outdoorsy.
Sometimes I feel scared and alone, but sometimes I feel like I have all the support in the world.
I am the daughter of supportive, lovable, nurturing parents.
I have a firm testimony of Jesus Christ as my Savior, and of God as my Father in Heaven.
I am sincere.
Sometimes I remember what it is like to be happy. Sometimes I AM happy.
I have a loving guardian angel for a husband.
I have a son that reminds me how wonderful life is.
I am very close to my mother.
I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a wife, a mother, a friend.
I have attended 3 years of college.
I love antiques.
I have lived in another country.
I have lived in 4 states.
I am happy when my son holds my hand.
I feel loved when my husband makes me smile.
I am strong.
I am a survivor.
I am emotional.
I have been skydiving in Brazil.
Sometimes I lay on the couch all day. Sometimes I take 4-hour naps.
I don't take happiness for granted.
I have a supportive and prayerful family.
Sometimes it is hard for me to eat, but I am working on that.
I like to camp, hike, pick wildflowers, drink from streams, get dirt on my jeans, get splinters in my feet, smell the peach blossoms, lick the sidewalk, watch the sunset, gaze at stars, throw a frisbee.
I am an actress, a photographer, a pianist.
I am giving.
Sometimes I am angry about the trials in my life, but I know that they have made me the person I AM.
I am Ashley and I am grateful to be alive.
I am who I am, and I'm glad to meet you.
Who are you?

"I am a part of everybody. Without me there would be no 'everybody'-only 'everybody minus one', an incomplete world. I can make the world more complete just by being me."
--unknown

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

2009-12-23T14:49:00.001-08:00

So this post should have come AFTER the next post, but I had technical difficulties. Anyway, we decided drive down to NYC for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was lots of very tiring fun. Kev, you wanted floats? Well, here are your floats. And YES, that is Jimmy Fallon waving at ME.

CHRISTMAS TREE

2009-12-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I haven't posted for a long time. I know that many of my loved ones want updates on how I'm doing because I have constantly felt so many prayers on my behalf. I want you all to know how much your prayers mean to me. Things have been difficult, as you know, and I haven't received too many answers. But I am in a Therapy group with a lot of people that have many of the same struggles as I have, so it helps to get input from how they deal with their illnesses. I also FINALLY found a primary care doctor that didn't laugh in my face and make me cry because they thought that I literally moved to Connecticut to get pain killers! This new doctor is such a blessing. He understands what I'm going through and has some good ideas to help me deal with the pain. He says that my hip pain is from bursitis, and that ice and possibly cortisol injections will help with that. It would be such a miracle to get rid of this pain so that I could sleep better and maybe even walk for longer distances than down the hallway of our apartment building!! He is also testing my cortisol and thyroid levels to give me the correct dosage to help those problems. I have officially been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression, so we are trying to find the right medications to decrease the roller coaster ups and downs. But I think the best thing about this doctor is that he can be the puppet master in sending me to the correct specialists to diagnose my real problems so that I don't feel so hopeless after waiting for months to see a specialist with no answers. . .again.

We now have Cole in an all-day preschool, which helps me a lot. I am able to attend my group sessions in the morning, then get some much needed rest in the afternoon. Regan is doing well at his job at The Hartford. He has passed all the intense tests of the program and is now in active duty of selling insurance policies. So far so good.

We have been so blessed with ward members that are so willing to help us. I have been overwhelmed by their goodness. I also know that many of you have been fasting and praying for me, and I my greatest hope is that God listens to your prayers to get me through this. I have to admit that my faith has been greatly shaken. So I may have to rely on your faith to get through this. I really hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Hopefully I will have more of an "up-beat" post soon. God bless us, God bless us. . .everyone! (Or in Kevin's role of playing Tiny Tim at 5 years old. . ."God bleth uth, God bleth uth, everyone!")

All I really want for Christmas this year are two things:

One: A big Christmas tree. I have to have a Christmas tree. Regan got it for me, and it is beautiful. It ALMOST smells as good as a Grover Tree.

Two: Hope.

I hope Santa gets my letter.

p.s. The random picture with streaky lights is what I picture rain will be like in Heaven. Wouldn't that be awesome??!

Connecticut in the Fall

2009-10-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's official. We have moved to Manchester, Connecticut to get better treatment for my Lyme's Disease. Regan is serving tables at Carrabbas Italian Grill at nights and is looking for a full-time day job so we can afford to live out here! We got a screamin deal on our apartment, though, and our ward and area are so great. The fall is GORGEOUS. You can't go down a single street without feeling nostalgic about early America or see the enormous Maple trees and Cottonwoods. I guess you could say, It's a perfect place to harvest ticks.
I got to see an Infectious Disease Specialist in whom many told me is the best Lyme Disease doctor in Connecticut. She was great. She looked over my bloodwork and said I definitely have chronic Lyme's Disease, but that she doesn't think that it is the main cause of my symptoms anymore. She said that I have had beyond the sufficient amount of antibiotics that should have taken away the high fevers, extensive body pain, and nausea beyond all reason. So, of course, she is running more tests. She is also sending me to a Neurologist, a Rheumatologist, and a Gastroenterologist to try to find more answers. I see her again in a week to get more blood results to see if some of my Lyme has turned into arthritis yet, or if I have C-difficile amongst other things. As of now, we are trying to find a preschool for Cole while I rest, a job for Regan so we can pay the bills, and health insurance to help us with any of it! We miss our family terribly already, but are so excited about this new adventure. We really love Connecticut. We have plenty of room for anyone that wants to visit! We're close to New York City, Boston, you name it! We'd love to have you.

Out our front door on a walk with Cole.

This is the front of our apartment complex, The Clocktower Mills. I guess they used to be old silk mills.

This is what you see when you walk through our front door. Half bath on the left, huge walk-in coat closet on left, kitchen on right and stairs to our downstairs bedrooms. Don't you LOVE the brick walls?

This is the kitchen nook area. The kitchen is to the right.

Can you believe the height of these ceilings? My place is HUGE!

Cole's Bedroom. I won't show you ours, because it is still unpacked and I'm sure it will be months to have it presentable!

I went to a historical society "tag sale" (garage sale for antiques) around the corner this afternoon, and found some really amazing things! I had so much fun there. Found some great old suitcases for decoration, and even an old record player box to finally display my records I've collected over time. I also got a globe that I LOVE, that goes great with the Ranch map I stole off the wall. Kidding, but Uncle Pat was going to chuck it so I claimed that baby up quick!

This video will be boring to most, so it is dedicated to Cole's grandmas from far far away. He is making up a song about A Bug's Life (which he's never seen.) He sings some pretty low and high notes, and I think I even caught a country twang in there! He's his daddy's boy!

Connecticut. . .Here we come!!

2009-08-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have many pictures to still post from our awesome summer in Boston, but it will take me a while to get to it. . .

So I guess Regan, Cole, and I are moving to Connecticut to get the Lyme's Disease treatment that I need. I was informed by my doctor in Connecticut that I need another PICC line treatment as soon as possible. And not for 4 weeks this time. . .for twelve. My bloodwork shows that I am at HIGH risk for blood clots, not to mention I have about ten new viruses that have shown up because of my low immune system. I am extremely anemic and have hypothyroidism. No wonder I have been feeling like total crap!! And this all happened because of a tick the size of a poppy seed!! The Doc says that because all of it is caused from the Lyme's Disease, we have the best chance of getting these infections to go away by doing another PICC line treatment.

I looked into it, and no one in Utah will do the treatment for that long because they would have a lawsuit on their butts for doing it. In Connecticut, it is a STATE LAW that chronic Lyme's Disease is COVERED!! No matter how long you need treatment!! The doctor I have been working with out there unfortunately can't order the treatment I need because he is a Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue doctor, so I will need to find a new infectious disease specialist out there to do the treatment. But we know everything will work out. We have prayed intensely over this decision to do this without my family close by to help me through the treatment or to live in Connecticut where I will get the treatment I need for a whole lot less than $90,000! We have felt the spirit confirm that Connecticut is the place for my little family. We will probably live there for at least two years so Regan can finish school.

I am scared to death about leaving my family, but this is what Heavenly Father has told us we need to do. I know He will take care of us and help us find our way. My family is packing up my apartment as we speak while I rest at my mom's. Regan will fly to Connecticut on Tuesday and look for a job, a place to live, and health insurance for me to get my treatment. We are hoping that he can figure this all out in a few weeks, then he will fly back home. Then we will pack up the moving van and drive across the country. My doctor REALLY didn't want me to travel before this treatment because it takes so much out of the body, but we really don't have another choice.

So here we come Connecticut!! Please be a good little state and protect my family!

Beautiful Boston, I am here.

2009-06-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's been about one month for me in Boston, and the first two weeks were really fun! Regan, Cole, and I took "the T" (train) into the city to see Harvard Square. It was a beautiful day, warm with bouts of rain. We ate at an outdoor pizzaria under an awning right in front of a band playing in the street. Cole was lovin it as you can see in the pic of him at our table! Then it down-poured out of nowhere. . .yet we were safe under our awning. So we had a romantic dinner with the smell of rain all around us. It was perfect. We took a visit to campus and headed back. It was a great day. The old red brick buildings surrounded by the green trees and grass make me so happy!!

We've made some really great friends out here already. A bunch of "the wives" our APEX men have boys the same age, so they get to play together a lot. Cole's best friends are Brock, Dillan, Jack, and Cohen. It's fun to go to the playground area in our complex and know that there will most likey be other wives out there with their little ones playing too. Cole also LOVES to swim. That kid is part fish. I put a little life jacket and tube on him and he swims around the pool by himself for hours. (Don't worry, Grandmas! I'm supervising closely.)

For the first few weeks I felt better than I have in a long time. I was still healing from my surgery and pnemonia craziness, but it was definitely manageable. But of course my body was just dying to check out a real live Boston Hospital, and so we "visited" the E.R. a few weeks ago. Just the same old drill: Fever of 102 for over a week, EXTREME nausea, overall immense body pain, lower abdomen pain, the overall feeling that I couldn't live another second in so much pain, yadda yadda yoo. Well, after testing they said that nothing I have would kill me and to go see a doctor during regular business hours.

So last weekend, for our anniversary, Regan and I drove to Connecticut to see a specialist in Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, and Lyme's Disease. He works for the same company as my Utah doctor, so it was a semi-smooth transition. I absolutely adore my Utah doctor, and will continue to see him when I return to Utah; but it was really cool seeing a doctor in the state in which "Lyme's Disease" got it's name. Plus this doctor has Lyme Disease and has treated many patients with it, so he has some great plans for me. The costs are extreme, and my insurance won't cover it. But we feel that is important that we take advantage of medicine on the east coast where they know a lot more about Lyme than we know on the west coast. We hope it will pay off in the long run! Mostly I hope that we will be able to get this flare up of symptoms under control FAST so I can enjoy and explore the little time we have left in this gorgeous state.

So, here are some pics to enjoy. Some are of Harvard, some of our pizzaria, some of Cole with his friends Brock and Dillan, and a video for his grandmas. The video gives you a taste of how I tire Cole out if I'm too sick to let him go outside and play! I thought we were singing "Little Bunny Foo Foo," but apparently we were singing, "5 Little Monkeys".

Toncillectomy gone bad

2009-05-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't write long because I absolutely have to lay down. But I thought I would give a very short update until I could give the full story. Basically, I went in for my Tonsillectomy and went home to get better. By the next day I couldn't breathe and was rushed to the hospital. There was a complication with the surgery and I got pneumonia. They transferred me straight to the ICU where I stayed for 4 days. They were the worst for 4 days of my life. Full of pain and not being able to breathe, but through a pure miracle I was able to come home last night. I am so grateful to be home. It's nice, for many reasons, but mostly. . .to see Cole. When I saw him for the first time in what seemed like and eternity, the smile he had for me lifted me higher than I could imagine. It was better than hugging a gigantic percocet. I'm so grateful to be home.

I just wanted to say thank you for all who have been praying for me. I have had some miracle this week that I know have come from the prayers and fasting from those in my life. Thank you. I really don't like asking people for favors, but this is one that I feel that I really need at this time. Please pray for me. The pain is almost more than I can bare. My husband has already moved to Boston, so it's hard to be without him. Mostly, I just want to be able to focus on the postitive and get through this emotionally. I would really appreciate the extra help from above and I know God listens to the prayers of his children. . .especially when asked in Faith. I feel like my faith is so tiny, and I really need the faith of others to help me through this.

I hope all is well with everyone else!!

Tonsillectomy

2009-05-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

I head to get surgery on my tonsils tomorrow. I've heard it's a nasty recovery, so here we go!

Boston? Maybe Not.

2009-04-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, once again, life decided to throw a boulder at our family. Regan found out that his liver fibrosis has progressed to a dangerous level. The doctor told him that he has to lose weight now, or it's a matter of life or death in the next 5-10 years. So he is working really hard on eating well and exercising. Then another blood test came back that showed that somehow Regan contracted hepatitis! We are supposed to leave to Boston in one week for Regan to sell APX Alarm Systems for the summer. The treatment for hepatitis is bed rest, so we thought we could no longer go. My wonderful family fasted and prayed immediately, and the Lord blessed us. We were called from the doctor and were told that his bad liver gave a false reading for the hepatitis, and that he doesn't have hepatitis! It was a scary week.

But it wasn't over yet. I have been in and out of the doctor for at least 6 months for sore throats. I was told when I was younger that I had tonsillitis, but that I may grow out of it. I guess I didn't. Today I woke up with tonsils twice their size and all white and pussy (sorry for the disgusting details). I can't swallow and I'm in so much pain all over my body I can barely stand it. I was lucky enough to already have an ENT appointment set up for today, so I went to the doc. Sure enough, he said my tonsils were awful and need to be taken out asap. We are supposed to drive out to Boston on Tuesday. My ENT won't do the surgery until I am well from the current infection. Then after the surgery he wants me to stay in Utah for 2 weeks to be sure no complications will arise (such as blood entering my lungs and kidneys). He said with how awful my tonsils look, it was most likely be a very painful recovery and that I need to start preparing mentally now. Oh, and Cole has an ear infection and a temp of 103.

So I guess Regan is driving out to Boston without Cole and I. We will fly out as soon as this whole thing passes. This is so frustrating to say the least. I know that I have so much to be grateful for. But I need a break. I'm so tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of having the tiniest bit of hope left and then getting that hope thrown to the ground. Again. I'm trying so hard to have faith that things will eventually get better for us. But it's been eight years of grabbing onto a cliff with my nails, and I just don't know how much longer I can take it. I thought once we treated the Lyme Disease I would get better. But new things keep coming again, and again, and again. It's hard to remember what it feels like to not be sick.

But I have learned a lot along the road. Most importantly, that my family means everything to me. They have been there through it all and have carried me through most of it. I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He is perfect for me. He has shown compassion for me from the start, and never gives up on loving me (which I guarantee must be hard with how much I complain!!). My son keeps me laughing, and gives me something to look forward to every day. He knows when I hurt and cuddles with me and gives me "kisses and loves" so that "honey" will feel better. He shouldn't have to see his mommy cry so much. He's only two. But I know he is an angel sent straight from heaven to help me. I'm also so grateful for my mom and Mel, who have helped me through every single day when Regan couldn't be there. Mel is like Cole's second mom, and has been my best friend through my tough struggles. My mom will never know how much she means to me. I cannot describe it. She puts her life on hold for me every day. She even gave up a trip to Europe with my dad to stay home to be with me for my surgery. She is so self-sacrificing, and has helped me to understand the Savior through her example. I hope to one day be there for the people whom have helped me so much through these tough times.

BOSTON! Bring it on!

2009-04-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

To Boston, we go! Regan, Cole, and I are moving to Boston for the summer! Regan is going to sell APX security systems there. Kev & Rach, and Scott & Alicia are coming too, so it will be great to have fam around when I have my sicker days. I am so excited to visit my old mission and visit all of the historical sites that I didn't get to see on my mission. I just may have to stay away from wooded areas so I don't get Lyme Disease again!! We really hope this will be a great experience for us to live somewhere exciting and HOPEFULLY pay off some of these medical bills!! I'm nervous to leave my doctors, but I'm excited that I actually feel well enough to go. My health has come such a long way since last year. I've been fighting off some new bacterias and the aftermath of having so many antibiotics for the last 3 years, that it's tough to know what is causing what anymore. But I feel very hopeful for the future, and that hasn't been the case for me in a really long time. I feel very grateful. We leave in 3 weeks, and will get home at the end of August. We're so excited!!

As for Cole, I could write about him all day. He cracks me up all of the time. He likes to put on my robe and say, "Honey, Cole's a princess!" I would be worried, but he also loves to play swords with sticks like "Poopy Pan". The other day I gave him a fruit snack from a big box and he said, "Honey. Zats from Costco?" How in the world does he pick up on things like that? Hilarious.
So here are some random pics of Cole since last post. Have fun! In case you wonder what Cole keeps saying in the video, he is saying, "Hun, Hun. . .", which is his shortened version of "Honey". He better call me Honey till the day I die. I love it.

Cole is officially a Toddler

2009-02-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

Our child is officially in the "terrible twos" stage! In the past month he has almost broken his nose, fallen out of his crib, gotten a black eye, taken a razor blade to his face, had a double ear infection and strep, broke through his 3rd and 4th molars, and had two E.R. visits. Not only that, but we finally took the binky away, which was long overdo. Needless to say, we didn't sleep for a few weeks! As sad as this is for poor Cole-bert, (and scary for us parents), I must say that it's been pretty darn hilarious. These pictures will show the craziness th at is Cole as a toddler.

Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, and Merry Christmas!!

2008-12-16T18:47:00.001-08:00

This is Cole with cousin, Ellie, on Halloween. Then we have Regan all ready to serve tables at Carrabbas. We have a bet going on who pulls the costume off better. Father or son??

THANKSGIVING

We had so much fun at the Ranch for Thanksgiving this year. It was Cole's first year hunting for Christmas trees on Boulder Mountain, which is a big Thanksgiving tradition for us. Mostly he just sat and ate the snow, but he seemed to rather enjoy it. I was so excited to feel well enough to go this year, as last year I did not. It's great to see that I'm making progress!

When we got back from the mountain, we held up our carcasses to display. I wonder whose apartment is the smallest? That would be ours on the far right. Aunt Sandy had us all write poems about what we were thankful for this year and read them in a program after dessert. It reminded me of the good ol days when Grandma Hale made us perform all the time, whether we had talent or not. Some of the poems were hilarious. But I stuck to what I do best: making people cry. Read it and weep.

This year has been one of those years,
full of hardship and multiple tears.
We thought two-thousand-eight
was going to be great;
but instead every day I fought fear.

The battle of health is a hard one.
But now that I'm better, I know,
that trials bring multiple blessings
and ways that the Lord helps you grow.

I'm grateful for smiles of encouragement;
for outreaching hands full of love.
I'm grateful for those who have prayed to bring help
from angels and spirits above.

I'm grateful for family who loves me,
and fights each day right by my side.
Especially for my dear husband,
whose patience is greater than mine.

Last but not least, I am grateful for Cole,
who was sent to me special from heaven.
Whose sweet kisses and hugs
have helped me every day
to survive;
not give up;
and love living.

CHRISTMAS

Last, we have our 'Rad' Christmas party where Cole got to dress up like a shepherd. He was so excited about it, he talked about it all day. Well, not so much talking as "Grandma's house! Shepherd! Fun! Baby Jesus! Presents!" I'm just glad "baby Jesus" made it in there somewhere. Grandpa came out with his costume to give presents from Santa. Usually he comes as "The Christmas Fairy", but this year he came as "The Christmas Elf". It was pretty dang hilarious. Ah, Radebaugh. Merry Christmas every one! And a Happy New Year, to the whole world!

2008-11-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

I have mono. What the?

The Ranch in the Fall is my Favorite!!

2008-10-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

We had a great time at the Ranch last month. It was so beautiful with the golden aspens and crisp air. Cole absolutely LOVES the Ranch. Whenever we are in the car for longer than 30 minutes, he keeps saying, "Honey! Ranch!" ('Honey' is what Cole calls me. . .which I love). He loves playing in the dirt, jumping on the tramp, and mostly just having free reign to run outside for hours. I'm glad he loves it as much as I do.

Just a quick update for those who have asked about my treatment. I have finished with both my Lyme and Brucillosis treatments! Wahoo!! It was a very rough year, but I made it through with much help from friends, family, and my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful to be done for a while. I'm still having a rough time getting healthy. It's still hard to get down food and water, and my body is pretty weak from laying down for a year. But I'm trying hard to get healthy again. It's hard to see the point of getting healthy, though, because I will probably have to do this treatment all over again next year. But I guess I should be positive and hope that I won't need to!! Thanks for all of your prayers!!

San Diego

2008-08-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

We took off for San Diego Beach last week with the Rad-a-fam. It was lots of fun. Regan and I weren't sure if we should go because I've been so ill, but we decided it would be good for us to "get out". We stopped for the night to stay with Ben and Rebecca, which was so great. Their house is beautiful and they are so happy together. I have missed Ben a lot lately, so it was good to see him.

San Diego was great. 78 degrees and sunny the whole week. We got to go to Legoland, which is crazy! Almost everything is made out of Legos in the park. It was so fun to see the creativity involved in the park. I wish we could have seen more, but I had to go home early because I felt pretty rotten. The next day we went to the beach, but again felt really awful. Then we got a call from an infectious disease specialist I saw last month with some interesting results to some new tests I had done. I had to go to this doctor, whose name happens to be Dr. Hale!, to get a second opinion on my Lyme Disease to humor my insurance company. Dr. Hale decided to run a few extra tests to make sure we weren't dealing with anything else. He told me that I shouldn't expect anything to come out of the tests, because positive results were rare. But since when are my illnesses common?

So, yes, I tested positive for Brucillosis, which is a bacterial infection that you can get from cows and goats unpasteurized milk or underdone meat in southern Brasil. Well, I lived in Brasil for about 6 months before my mission, so we figure I got it then. I don't understand how I got this infection and not any of my family, since we always ate together. Not only that, but I was a vegetarian at the time! Although I did often eat feijuada, which are black beans with sometimes a pig head dropped in to give it flavor. But as I thought on my time in Brasil, I remember a specific incident in which I drank out of a stream while on a hike with my friends down there. Kevin kept telling me to not drink out of the stream, but back then I was indestructible! I felt that anything in nature could not harm me because I was tough and "one with nature". But, it's possible that a cow pooped in the stream, and Kevin is now laughing.

So why are we just now finding this out? We think it's because the treatment for my Lyme Disease was helping my Brucillosis as well, but it was still not the right antibiotic to combat the Brucillosis. So when I finished the treatment for the Lyme, my immune system dropped and became vulnerable to infection. Because the Brucillosis was already in my system, it presented itself in all of its glory. So I had to fly home that day from California to undergo more treatment while my fam basked in the sun on the beach for 4 more days. Whoopee!

I just need to endure two months of 2 antibiotics that are making me way sicker than I was with the PICC line Lyme treatment. But that's because I have to take these ones orally. If I want to do them through my PICC line, it will cost me $350/day. And really, who can afford that? I wish I could, because there would be a lot less nausea, and maybe I could eat. But what can you do?

Legoland!!--San Diego with the Rad-a-Fam

2008-08-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

One to Ten!!

2008-07-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

This post is mostly just random cute pics of Cole, and a short update on my treatment for those who are interested. I finished my first round of antibiotics via PICC line a few weeks ago. I still have the PICC line in my arm, in case we need to repeat the treatment in a few months. The first treatment went really well. It helped my overall body pain a lot, my mental clarity is better, and I have less migraines. The nausea hasn't gotten any better, and I'm still pretty exhausted. So we ran some more tests and figured out that I am critically malnourished and dehydrated as if I were a homeless person on the street! What? And the Doc said it's not from just a few weeks of not eating right; that this has been going on for years. Oops! Who would have thought not eating and drinking could make you that sick? Go figure! But in my defense I've been nauseous for 7 years, so food didn't exactly sound appetizing. So now they are shoving food and water down my throat and hoping that it will stay down. If not I'll have to get fed through tubes in my nose. But hey, through this whole thing, I've learned a lot about health, drugs, and i.v.'s. . .maybe one day I'll become a nurse. Or a drug dealer. Which ever will bring in better money to pay for this dang treatment!! Kidding of course.

The first pics are of our awesome week at the Ranch for the 4th. It was tons o' fun. There were lots of people there, so it was just like the good ol days. I guess Cole loves Jeeps, just like his Daddy! These next few are of Cole with his cousin, Cohen's, sunglasses on. The second he put those bad boys on he was acting like he was the coolest kid in the world. He even started saying "Sup" , hence the hand flick. This next video is a small sampling of the amazing sponge-like brain Cole has these days. Today, Regan asked, "Hey, Ash? What time did Cole wake up today?" I answered, "Nine." Then Cole said, "Nine, Ten." I looked at him and was totally surprised. We had never taught him numbers. I thought he was too young. I just counted steps and random small things like that, but no way could he know numbers. So a quizzed him. Sure enough, he knows how to count to ten all by himself! Crazy! We were laughing so hard! I tried to get it on camera, but couldn't get him to do it all by himself. But it's still super cute!

The last thing I'm putting on here are two movies (step 1 and 2) of me doing my PICC line treatment that I do every day. Those that want to see how I do it can watch, but it may be boring. I just wanted to show everyone how cool I am at administering drugs to myself. I'm pretty proud of my great accomplishment.

My First Love

2008-07-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

I just watched the cutest movie called Little Manhattan. Its a cute movie about a little boy that falls in love for the first time with a girl in his karate class, while his parents go through the pains of divorce. It was so funny to hear the thoughts of this boy as he tried to figure out what his love was thinking, when he should hold her hand, and if she felt the same way about him.

This movie caused me to reflect on my own first love. I was 7 years old. His name was Chad Farrer. He moved into my neighborhood and became best friends with my cousin, Ben. Now I had something to say about this, because Ben was not only my cousin, but my best friend. Ben and I were only 9 days apart and we lived next door, so naturally I felt that Chad was stepping on my territory. But my feelings of anger were gone quickly as I played with Chad and Ben. The three of us were inseparable. We did everything together, from camping in the orchard behind our house to making clay head necklaces to sell on the street. Chad remained my boyfriend until sixth grade. Of course, for grade school, the term boyfriend and girlfriend meant that we played together and never thought about anyone else. But then, a horrible thing happened. It was near the end of sixth grade, and there was a new trend amongst boyfriends and girlfriends. This was called going steady. This meant that you were exclusive. You would hold hands, dance at parties together, and if you ever got up the courage. . .a peck on the lips. At one party I even remember Chad and Chase McMillan lip singing I Wanna Hold Your Hand by the Beatles to Natalie Crystal and I. This all scared the crap out of me. I didnt feel old enough to go steady. I wanted to remain a kid forever and never grow up. I hoped Chad felt the same. But one day he wrote me a note, and asked me to go steady.

What?! NO! Why risk something that could ruin the wonderful thing that we had?! Why put everything on the line and open your heart to just get ruined later? I wrote him a note back. NO. The next week, Chad asked Heidi Bogus to go steady. Our friendship grew apart. Even Chad and Ben stopped playing, because we entered Jr. High. . .the land of flirting with the opposite sex. Even though I didnt ever take the leap of going steady until my senior year in High School, I had crushes here and there. But none will compare to my first love, Chad. I will always remember him to be the one that made my heart skip for the first time.

Now I am lucky enough to be married to the man that will make my heart skip for the last time. Regan Cole Whimpey. He is my eternal companion. He is the one that better not die before me, because I dont think I could live for one second without him. He has put all his dreams in a drawer for me, and I cannot think of a love greater than that. Every time I look at our son, I see my husbands love and adoration for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope Regan knows how much I love him, but there is no way to express it. Regan, I am putting everything on the line for you. I am opening my heart, as vulnerable as it may be. But the possibilities of having my heart break is worth the risk. Because I love you. I will always love you.

Wow! I've updated my blog!!!

2008-06-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I've "blogged." Since my last blog, lots has dumped on the Whimpey family. After my appendix surgery, Regan had to get his gall bladder taken out. Two weeks later, he broke his hand in what he likes to call a "sports related injury", and what I like to call "getting mad at the Jazz and punching the refridgerator." In his defense, he was coming off of pain killers. So he had another surgery (his 3rd this year) to get pins put in his hand. I had a few more ER visits for who knows what, and now we are finally feeling like things are settling down.

I haven't been feeling well with my Lyme Disease. It was causing lots of pain to where I was taking pain killers around the clock. The nausea has been pretty rough too. So my doctor decided to take a different, more aggressive approach. He had a PICC line placed in my arm, which is kind of like a permanent IV. The tube goes up my arm and down by my heart. I am delivered antibiotics and nausea medication every week, and inject it myself every day. This is a better alternative to oral medication because it bypasses the stomach and doesn't make me quite as sick. The antibiotic I am taking is supposed to be the best for Lyme too. According to the studies I've read, 55% of those with Lyme improve from their symptoms after 30 days of this treatment; and of those 55%, 50% never have symptoms again! The other 50% just have to do the treatment again every 6 months. So we are hoping and praying that this will work. All your prayers would be appreciated!! Especially because my insurance won't cover this (apparently Lyme Disease is incurable, therefore not worth treating), so we are paying $120/day to do this. Yikes!

I am living with my mom so she and Mel and can take care of Cole and I for the next month. Poor Regan! I miss him so much! But mom and Mel have been such an amazing help to us. I am so lucky to have such an amazing family. Cole and baby Jack have so much fun playing together every day. I have some pics and videos you're welcome to view! Hope all is well with everyone. Hopefully it won't be 6 months before I write again!

Cole at the Ranch. Sometimes he gets mad that he can't actually get in the truck.

This is Cole playing with Scott and Alicia's dog, Izzy. The first minute is boring, but I guarantee it will be worth the wait! Cole's got some mad talking skills going on these days!!

Although Cole and Jack love each other, they also love bossing each other around. Here is Cole pushing Jack down the slide, and then his linebacker tackle, which his dad is rather proud of.

I promised Kev and Rach I would send a video of Cole's long hair and him talking. I got him to do a few colors for you!

Ode to Cole

2008-01-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

First of all, I realize that I am biased by saying that my child is the cutest kid I've ever seen. But I feel the strong need to share his photos with all of my family and friends anyway. I cannot get enough of him. He makes me smile every day, and is truly the reason I keep going. It is so hard to pass him off to people when I am ill, because I miss all of the amazingly funny things he does. It makes me smile to find my hairbrush in the spoon drawer after a week of not being able to find it. It cracks me up when he dances all around whenever 'Blue's Clues' comes on the t.v. It melts my heart when he gives me a kiss when I ask him to. But mostly I just love how he seems to know that I am sick. He seems to go easier on me on days when I am really ill. Those are the days when he cuddles with me for hours to watch t.v. and read story books. How does he know to give me extra hugs on those days when he is so young? I don't know, but I do know that he is the greatest blessing in me and my husband's life.

When it Rains, it Pours

2007-11-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

So, this last weekend was full of surprises! I started passing another kidney stone last Wednesday, which was actually not a surprise. But as it continued to get more painful without moving anywhere 3 days later, I got a little afraid it could be my appendix. Off to the hospital for yet another ER visit! After countless hours of testing, we found that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and the bleeding was what caused the pain in my stomach. Luckily it will stop hurting in about a week and will just take care of itself. So I took another 'pill holiday' with some of my antibiotics to give my body some rest until today. Now we'll start everything up again! What the? This has been one crazy ride!! My poor husband!

Cole is still my escape. He is always making me laugh! Here he is discovering his new talent of being able to climb on top of things. The next is of him refusing to sit in the stroller for our walk. He would much rather push it. But it's not easy when the grass keeps getting in the way!

Hash House A Go Go

2007-11-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

So for my pill holiday, Regan took me to Vegas to see Benny and to watch the BYU vs UNLV game. It was so much fun. Ben took us to a breakfast place called "Hash House A Go Go". It was amazing! It had incredibly oversized plates of food, and servers decked out in a disco theme. Benny always has a way of making me smile and forget my worries.

It was great to be there with my honey without worrying about the baby for a few days. I had never felt so good! I felt like I could tackle anything in my way and do it with a smile on my face!

Yep, that positive attitude lasted about 2 weeks. Which is actually a pretty long time when you consider what I've been through what with the vomiting and passing of the kidney stones and all. But it's been a lot harder to keep up the good attitude lately. The pain has gotten lots worse in my muscles and tissues, and the nausea is insane. But we figured out what medicine was causing me to pass kidney stones, so that was a plus! Needless to say I'm not taking that medicine anymore. I am supposed to start another new antibiotic today, which I have been dreading. But enough of this depressing talk. I HAVE been trying to keep busy with fun things! Like dressing up Cole as a skunk for Halloween:

playing Guitar Hero with Kev and Rach, making Halloween and Christmas crafts with Mom and Mel:
and watching lots of movies. If anyone has anymore pointers on things I could do to keep my mind occupied, let me know!! I have been truly blessed with helpers in my family and also my ward that have brought meals and provided babysitting when needed. I hope one day I will be able to return the amazing service they've given me. Thanks for all of the prayers!

LYME DISEASE

2007-10-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

I realized that I invited a bunch of you friends to see my blog, and I realized it may be a bit confusing. I'll briefly explain. 3 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. We figure I got bit by a deer tick on my mission in Boston 7 years ago! It entered my blood stream and has been the cause of a lot of pain over the years. But I am so grateful to finally have a diagnosis! I knew there was something wrong all of this time, but it seemed like the doctors just had no idea what was going on. But I was led to a great specialist in Salt Lake City who was able to find the illness in my bloodwork. So now it is a matter of taking a lot of antibiotics that make me nice and sick, and we hope to be rid of the main symptoms in 3 to 6 months! The next months may be Hell, but it will be so worth it in the end! What a miracle. I am very hopeful. I hope everyone else is healthy and happy. Please let me know how you are doing. I miss everyone!!

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Mel and I took some pictures of our terrible two-some, Cole and Jack. These kids are going to be trouble!! But they are so much fun. It's hilarious watching them chase each other around, push each other over, and giggle. We know they are going to always be great friends. I love Halloween! I always have. I used to throw a Halloween party every year from Jr. High until a few years ago. I wanted to throw one this year, but I just thought it would be too hard with the illness and all. But I still love getting out in the fall air and picking out pumpkins. It's been beautiful this week in Utah. I am so blessed!!

Baby Cole

2007-10-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Cole is at such a fun stage right now!! He has taken a few steps on his own, and he never ceases to make us laugh. I'm going to attach a few funny videos. The first one is a total classic. His Grandpa Stu makes a loud funny sound that scares all of the grandkids. But it usually doesn't scare Cole. He loves it. He used to clap every time Stu would make the noise. Well, on this particular occasion, Cole was really tired. Stu came over and made the sound and it totally scared Cole! It's so funny to watch his chub wiggle!

The second video is of Cole doing a little dance. He dances every time there is music playing. Or in this case, without any music at all! It is so fun being a mom!!

-Ash

Better Days Ahead

2007-10-11T14:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I wanted to climb a mountain and paint the town red!! (whatever that phrase means) The doctor felt that the many antibiotics were just too much for my body, so he gave me a "pill holiday" to lift my spirits. And it did! It definitely did. I know I have so long to go to rid myself and my family of this Lyme Disease, but I have learned so much already. Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I didn't think life could get any worse. I was always in so much pain and exhaustion, that I didn't know how to care for my husband and baby boy. I couldn't figure out how to be happy with the life that I had been given. I knew I had so many blessings, but it was so hard to see those blessings when all the pain was in the way. This year has been no stranger to suffering in my little family. But then I started taking over 30 pills a day for Lyme Disease. The pills made me more sick than I could have ever imagined. I thought I was tougher than I am!! I thought, "3 months of treatments? No problem!!" But after one week of the treatment, it was already more than I could bare.

So I get a pill holiday! Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I woke up with a migraine, I was nauseous, and sore from the penicillin shot the night before. But I was so dang happy I could barely stand it! No pain I felt yesterday could compare to last week, and I was just happy to not be in that same state. Although the pill holiday was only one day, I am so grateful for the break. Plus now Dr. Whitaker is starting me up slowly on the antibiotics so we may be able to figure out which ones are making me so sick. This gives me more hope.

I have been reading a book that belonged to my husband's late Grandmother England. It is called "Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy" by Richard G. Scott. There have been many spiritual insights that have helped so much in the last few days. I thought I would share one. Lately I have really struggled with having faith I Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have been taught my whole life that if you have enough faith in them, that anything is possible. I've tried so hard over the last 6 years to have that faith. The faith for me to get better, or to at least be able to live with my illness. I used to be untouchable with energy and excitement for life. But that love of life quickly dwindled with my diagnosis 6 years ago with Fibromyalgia. No matter how much faith I tried to have, it was never enough. I thought God didn't love me, or that I just didn't have enough faith. Then, a few days ago, I read in this book by Elder G. Scott.

He said, " Your Heavenly Father's invitation to 'ask, and ye shall receive' does not assure that you will get what you want. It does guarantee that, if worthy, you will get what you need, as judged by an all-knowing Father who loves you perfectly and who wants your eternal happiness even more than you do."

How could I be so stupid? I have known it all along, but Elder Scott said it so perfectly that it spoke right to my heart. I have had many prayers over the years, and tried many different approaches to my "illness problem." I have asked God to take my illness away, to help me have the strength to deal with it, and to make me happy in spite of it. But never have I truly humbled myself to trust that He actually knows what I need more than I do. Not only does He know more than me about what I need, but He actually wants me to be happy more than I do! No matter how much searching I do on the internet, or doctors I see, or medical testing I have done will ever compare to the expansive knowledge of my Heavenly Father. He knows exactly what I need. I still don't know what that is, but I'm trying hard to have the faith that my Heavenly Father does. This illness may not go away anytime soon. But I must have the faith that, as Elder Scott puts it, God "would not require [me] to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for [my] personal benefit or that of those [I] love."

I am so grateful for this enlightenment. And I know it would have never come if I didn't stop making excuses for my spiritual growth and actually pick up this book by Elder Scott. The gospel of Jesus Christ is there to help us in our times of need. We don't know everything. But God does. He wants to help us, but we have to let Him.

Love, Ashley

Why oh Why a Migraine!!!

2007-10-04T14:04:00.001-07:00

Today has not been the best of days! While recovering from the mistake of trying the pain patch yesterday, I got a migraine. It's hard enough to deal with this nausea that I feel and the pain that my body is in from the meds, but to deal with a migraine on top of that is more than I can take. I spent some time with Regan crying in his arms. It's nice to have someone to go through this with. Anyway, I am hoping to feel better later. I really need hope right now so if anyone has any pointers let me know!

Wow!

2007-10-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

We've got a blog!